The Monster Was In My Head

Depression was the story of my life for what felt like the entirety.

“Oh don’t worry about her, she’s always crying.” That is my high school tag line.

For me it looked like harming myself, no love for myself, harming others, indulging in substances, non-stop complaining, non-stop crying, constant shame and guilt, 107 pounds, poor nutrition, no desire to get out the bed and wash my ass some days. Most days I carried life as a burden.

Most days I wanted to disappear, and many times I tried.

I was not diagnosed until the first time I overdosed. Manic depression they called it, bi-polar disorder to be exact.

As I got older I grew comfortable being a victim to that circumstance. Being a victim to it felt easier than actually climbing out of my hole.

Staying there was wild, unpredictably predictable, reckless, but home.

I did not even believe it possible to dig myself out of that kind of pain. I did not believe there was anything but that for me. I did not believe in the beauty of life and I did not see the light in myself.

But I am so grateful for my new eyes. Granted, I have my days, you will never hear me say “my” depression, because it is not mine. It is not the ruler, it has no reign over my life. It has as much life as I give it.

The change in my mind began with a Wellness visit in my early 20s, and as always, I fill out the mental health survey, openly and honestly. This doctor in particular hated prescribing pills, (I cannot stand to take them anymore , not even a Tylenol). Instead of jumping straight to prescribing another anti-depressant that I was not going to be consistent with, (which only makes the “mental illness” worse), she wanted me to start changing the way I ate, because my bloodwork shown I had a Vitamin D deficiency. There is a strong correlation between depression and Vitamin D deficiency.

All she said was “I want you to change the way you’re eating, maybe you’ll feel like you aren’t depressed at all.”

Right after that appointment I stopped eating red meat, and I became more intentional about the things I was eating, and I can’t explain it but my days before that appointment, and my days after were just different.

One thing like changing what I ate just made me feel lighter already.

I decided I really wanted to stop living the way I was and waking up the way I was. I decided to really try for myself. I realized no one was going to be able to help me but me.

After that visit I started looking into all the ways I could boost my mood from the inside out. I started tackling my mental health differently. I started reading self-help books. Get into it.

I began meditating and visualizing me in my own light that I did not believe existed, until I truly felt it inside me. I started going to the gym. I started journaling more intentionally. I started making sense and peace with my past. I started to move my body. I started to be more kind and gentle with myself, and with others. I started to remember who I am and who I was.

My journey to healing began at the vitamin D deficiency , not the umpteenth suicide attempt.

Changing one good habit turned into another good habit until good habits just became all I wanted to be. The process and journey truly had to start with me.

Hell no it is not easy, but living in a head that’s not even yours isn’t either. My heart and voice open more each day.

Above I mentioned above, I read many self-help books early on that helped me get started on my journey.

Here were some of my first favorite early reads:

You Are A Bad Ass by. Jen Sincero

The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success by. Deepak Chopra

The Mastery of Love by Don Miguel Ruiz

The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho

The Energy Codes by. Dr. Sue. Morter

The Power of Now by. Eckhart Tolle

Thank you for meeting me here.