God has a funny way of pulling you out of places you don't belong anymore.

I fought and I fought so long to stay in a space that I've outgrown..

But even weeds can be used for good..

Always finding beauty in the madness.

But girl look at yourself, what benefit is there is in the sadness.

I want to point and blame, but I have to be accountable of my own.

And I also have to accept that it is ok to be alone.

I felt a chip on my heart, but I'm gonna find the missing piece.

I'm gonna keep my sanity.

I'm gonna master inner peace.

I live alone so I have plenty of time to think and process everything from the past the present the future the maybes. I realized the most dangerous thing about myself is that the more I care the more angry I become when I'm upset it feels and that's F****** dangerous. Made me cry a little, I think I'll continue to choose solidarity for a while.

I think I was born
with too soft of a heart.

The kind that hears
“I’m sorry”
and immediately starts making room for somebody who never made room for me.

The kind that remembers
who you were on your good days
when your bad days
start becoming who you are.

I’ve always had this habit
of loving people past the point
where they deserved access to me.

Giving one more chance.
One more conversation.
One more maybe they didn’t mean it like that.

Because I know people hurt.
I know people make mistakes.
I know life can make you become
somebody you don’t recognize.

And maybe that’s my problem.

I understand too much.

I can find the reason behind
almost anything somebody does to me,
and somehow
I’ll use that reason
to make their behavior hurt less.

But understanding why you hurt me
doesn’t mean I have to keep letting you.

That’s the part I’m learning.

A soft heart
still needs boundaries.

A loving woman
can still leave.

I can wish you healing
without volunteering myself
to be the place you bleed.

I can forgive you
and still decide
you will never get that close to me again.

Because maybe my heart
was never too soft.

Maybe I just kept handing it
to people with rough hands
and wondering why
I always ended up bruised.

So no,
I don’t want to become colder.

I don’t want revenge.
I don’t want bitterness.
I don’t want to stop seeing the good in people.

I just want to finally see
the good in me
with that same kind of patience.

That same grace.

That same endless understanding
I kept giving everybody else.

My heart can stay soft.

I’m just learning
it doesn’t have to stay available.

I use to think ,Life was dark, life was just stress every week.I use to think good was hiding in the shadows from me.

How can good ever happen.With all the madness in this world.How can peace happen.when i see them put the pieces back together of that girl.

I wouuld be in my head.Thinking i didn't deserve anything good . Like i didnt deserve to be understood. Like i didnt deserve to love.Like i didn't deserve to be hugged.

Always hed my head down.Wanting to put my self under a rock.Because i wasn't supposed to have joy.I wasn't supposed have friends.I wasn't supposed to make noise.

Then one day i picked my head up.And said i will be great,I will love myself.i will become a better person,Then the older version. I had verses who i use to be.

It makes people that were use to me misserable feel uncomfortable. . Now i get to go to a happy place.you won't dim my light.I feel untouchable.

I wake up in the morning knowing i can conquer whatever i put my mind too. I find new affirmations ,just taking the time to love me.

A mind is a terrible thing to waste.Take all your imperfections,Be proud of your flaws.A new way of thinking take steps to be great.Don't be ashamed of a loss.

Life while so fragile, can be so heavy like glass. Try and try everyday to get through sober, rational, and calm. I learned to love being alone but am starting to constantly feel alone. So I chase; I chase alcohol, drugs, and the wrong women. I tell myself everyday I don't care, I don't give a f***. But if you knew me you'd know just how much a lie that is. The wildest part I don't have a whole lot going on no kids I live with no family near none. Its just me and my thoughts which I've grown used to I can thank a jail cell for that, but when your thoughts question your existence it becomes increasingly difficult to deal with everyday, and I made a promise I've broken many, but YOU made me promise to stay here and fight for myself. Somedays can feel like a burden but it keeps me going. I just want to be happy to be fulfilled but I don't even know what means. I'm chasing something I don't even know what it looks like, I just hope I can recognize if I do find it. Beast out ✌🏾

God doesn't want you to give up, yeah today is a rough day , tomorrow could be better , have a better day on purpose, and if you didn't hear this in awhile let me tell you "I'm proud of you" "you're doing a great job" "I believe in you " whether I can see you or not just know these phrases were meant for you to read so you know someone sees you, have faith 🙏🏾